I have had a lot of people ask me how I am since I've been home. My honest answer, which is unsatisfactory for all parties involved, is: I don't know. So please stop asking. I don't mean that I don't appreciate all the love and care and support that has poured out from all of you amazing individuals, because I do. I could not ask for better friends. And I could not have made it through this without you. So thank you for that.
However, I am dealing with something right now that no one ever talks about. I have read hundreds of articles about the end of life, both religious and secular. I've read about how far doctors would go with their own treatment, and when that treatment goes too far. I've read about the miraculous horrors of which modern medicine is capable of. And at the heart of the issue, I (and other family members) made the decision to not do that to my mother. I made the choice to let her go peacefully on to whatever it is that lies beyond the veil. And I would make the same choice again, but...
She didn't.
And for that, I am grateful.
I am now faced with the question of: What kind of person does that make me?
Dear Kirsten,
ReplyDeleteYour actions were done with love, compassion and based on the information available to you and those actions are not up for scrutiny. Had you known your mother would regain consciousness and recover to the extent she has, your decision would have been different so you do not have to question your substance. You are a kind and generous person with a good heart and I can't imagine you doing any harm to those you care about. Since you have faced the possibility of that great loss, it has widened your scope and matured you to another level. It is an experience of growth and will give you the ability to be more understanding and supportive in the future in many areas of your life.
I hope your mother is improving and part of the reason her recovery is possible is due to the love and support you and the rest of your family gave her. That is all any of us can do.
Kathleen