How to Lose Friends' and Alienate People

As many of you know my sex life is going through a dry spell about the size of the Saraha.  Now for various reasons I feel that this is karma, I brought this upon myself.  However, this most recent adventure is cruel and unusual even by the universes standard of fuck you.  First and foremost, it's been well over a year.  And with that, its storytime:
So I went to a party (of course I went to a party, at which point does a bad life choice start out with not-a-party).  The night was awesome fun!  Met new people, hung out with some newer acquaintances, I like to think I made some new friends.  Now at some point or another everyone decided it would be a really good idea to go to the bar, "the bar's need us," was the excuse.  Take note children, the bar never needs you.
Bar number 1 went great.  There is nothing wrong with a bunch of adults playing a game of telephone on a Friday night.  I suppose I should say that at this point in the evening me and my poor life choice have perhaps said "Hi" to each other.
Bar 2 is where things get fuzzy, or completely blank if I'm being honest (Pro tip: Don't combine whiskey, mascato, and rum and cokes).  The last thing I remember is BSing with a friend (an actual friend, I know I'm surprised too). To my questionable recollection I and poor life choice have had yet to have a conversation. And then...
Hello 8am, where the fuck am I?  Did I...Oh...I did.  How the fuck?  I really want to know what crazy pants events led to crazy no pants events.  And I don't even have the foggiest idea.
But seriously universe, its been over a year and when I finally get some, its in such a manner I don't even kind of remember!?  That's just cruel.

Thoughts from 4am

Hey, my shoes!  And my dog! I knew I forgot something.  Girl, you be a ninja.  Self, you be an idiot.  Boy, its your fault I'm awake.  Self, yeah you are really stupid.  God, why do I have to drive to town?  Sleep was so nice.  Did I really agree to this?  How much jager did I drink last night?  Were is my jacket? Its fucking cold out.  Why am I awake again?  Oh right, because of you.  Why am I so stupid?  Fuck, I think I'm still drunk.  Damn you 4am.  Hurry up and warm up car.  And car what is wrong with you?  I should take you to the shop.  Maybe I should just leave him here, and deny all involvment...damnit that won't work.  Boozie girl and little brain, you should be ashamed of yourselves, I know I am.  Seriously boy, hurry the fuck up, I want to go back to bed.
Hmm...I'm really thirsty.  Its fun passing people at 4am, but seriously why are you going 30 miles an hour, with a trailer...at 4am.  Fuck stupid being awake shit.  No, boy I don't feel bad for you.  Although it is funny  you slept through your alarm.  I still don't believe I agreed to drive you to town.  Hmmm...wonder if other girl got some last night. hehe.  But seriously I should have slept in my car or something, stupid girl.  Boy, still don't care how much shit your in, you are supposed to be on my shit list.  I'm not supposed to be helping you...with anything. 
Oh yay!  Town.  I get to go back to bed soon. No boy, we are not swinging by my house for a anything. Still need water.  And to glare at boy, must establish I'm mad at him.  And myself.  Idiot self.
Booze bad.  Boys bad.  Me bad.  4am, just bad.