Misadventures with Life,Love and Money in Alaska

Quotes from last night (or the last 4 months)

2012-01-28T00:03:00.000-08:00

My toilet is underwater!-CB

Astronauts get frustrated because the weather on the moon isn't right to land-CB

Eat some watermelon and fuck your cousin!-CB

You can't be much of a man is sasquatch can't give you a litte *whistle*

What makes a lesbian happy? Potholes! - KW

Y can open a church or you can open a meth lab or can open a church with a meth lab in it!

Bud Light. Its like sex in a canoe. Fucking near water-SW

My pina colada does not need a tea bag-MP

If you come on something between Petersburg and Wrangell, its definatly some unfriendly strange- KW

Put some Goldbond on your nuts and call me in the morning!-BA

Sanctuary from reality.

2011-12-12T19:56:00.000-08:00

*This is a rough draft. I will edit it when I get around to it*

One starry night
the heavens fell
into the sea.
And the universe danced for us.

A celestial song
echoed from the depths,
stars kissed
the salty waters,
comets streaked beneath
the waves.

There we sat,
caught between two worlds.
Watching the sky
Swim in the ocean
and the ocean
drift into the sky.

The universe danced
the complex choreography
of forever,
And we glimpsed a piece of Heaven.

It's shit like this...

2011-11-29T22:21:00.000-08:00

I don't know what is wrong with people. Maybe its just the time of year? I really don't get it. But I will tell ya what I am getting really fucking tired of the following questions:
"Are you married?" No, do you see a ring? Or anything that would suggest someone gives two shits about me. No you don't. However this leads to the inevitable question:
"Have you ever been married?" First off are you fucking serious? I still get asked if I'm still in high school! Sure, I'm kind of a fuck up, but I don't have a "starter marriage" under my belt already. However the stupid round of questioning doesn't end up there. Oh no, people have to establish just how miserably lonely I am so:
"Do you have a boyfriend?" No...I'm kinda pathetic like that.
"Oh, so do you have kids then?" Of course this is a logical explanation for my 'single' status!? I mean clearly being 24, not completely haggard looking and not having a significant other must mean I have an amazing amount of baggage, right? No, you asshole I don't have a kid. Birth control isn't that complicated ya know and since I have an IQ higher then that of, say a rock, I have managed to avoid any annoying, squalling two legged shit machines. Thanks.
The response to all of this:
"Smart girl, you'll have more fun if you just do your own thing."
Fuck you! I would love to have someone to keep my feet warm at night, to laugh with (or at), or just to zone out with. Instead I think I'm just going to go eat a pint of Ben&Jerry's.

Once upon a time on a sunny day...

2011-11-01T02:02:00.000-07:00

A memory: It's a dark one.
The sound of a body against metal pots and a wooden door. The sound of hands against flesh. I stand in the kitchen watching. I scream. It's the first and last time a scream like that has ever passed my lips. It's primal, one that comes from the soul. It's full of rage and pain and confusion and love. A scream pushed out of young lungs and searing a young throat. It's a scream of loss.
They don't hear me over their own yells and cries.
I go outside.
I'm surrounded by three red-headed sisters, sitting on green grass on a sunny day when the flashing lights pull up to my blue house, that's surrounded by flowers.
A nice man asks me if I'm ok. I say I am.
I go back inside. It seems like a dungeon with the curtains drawn. Shadows are on her face as she grips a pillow and makes herself as small as possible in the corner of the bed.
"Drugs or her," he asks while sitting on a chair at the end of the bed. I stand between them in the gloom.
Ten minuets later she's gone. She didn't even say goodbye.
Later that night he and I make pizza, it didn't taste the same.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Years later, here I sit. I want to scream. I want to scream like that little girl did. A scream that will echo back in time and let her know that it's all going to be ok. But I can't. Holding onto that scream is the only control I have. If I let go, I'm so scared I 'll become the women I was once screaming for.

Hooked: Part 1

2011-08-28T00:51:00.000-07:00

*This is what I do when I'm bored...

Hal settled down next tho his wife, watching the fading light filter through the cloudy water above them.
"Nice currents, we had today," said Hal, breaking the silence.
"Hmmm...," Bert responded, distracted by her own thoughts,
Hal sighed, Bert hadn't been herself recently. He understood why, for the last two spawning seasons there had been no eggs to fertilize, they had no offspring in those year classes.
"Honey," he said gently," you have to stop letting it get you so down, when we go to the Slope this fall there will be eggs. I promise."
"No," Bert whispered, her voice shaking slightly, " I won't be going this year. I can't take the disappointment again."
Hal flicked his tail in slight shock, no quite knowing what to say. The idea of not going to the spawning grounds was simply..."Outrageous!"
"We're old dear, we've seen 27 turns of the ocean. All I want to do is rest. We've released millions of offspring into the world and many of them have returned here to raise families of their own, some of the eldest are even grandparents. All of our friends from our year class have long disappeared into the deep. I'm not going to the slope this year."
Hal rolled one eye over to look at his wife just in time to see her throw her head up and swallow a juvenile yellow eye that had been carelessly lingering around her head for too long. 'Some fishes children,' he thought. Then Hal thought of his children and remembered how the ones who had returned to from the long drift had been so beautiful, so like his amazing wife. Hal sighed, resigned. He hadn't won an argument with Bert in 27 years, mostly because he wasn't the kind of fish who could deal with seeing his love unhappy. He didn't think he would start winning one today.
"Alright," Hal finally said, "We don't have to go to the slope. Where do you want to go?"
Bert looked above her, fins aquiver, "Up," she said, "I want to go up, to where the ocean meets the sky."
___________________________________________________________________

Hal hatched out of his egg with thousands of brothers and sisters on a rather unremarkable day in early March. His parents, being rather unimaginative even for halibut, had named all the boys Hal and all of the girls Hallie. Thus he began life, drifting upward and to the West on the strong ocean currents of the North Pacific. He spent his early days eating plankton and chatting with the others of his year class that he saw.
Most of those conversations were the same: complaints about how much it hurt to have one eye join the other on a single side of their head, mixed with a general excitement about settling out and finally having some control about where to travel next. In short there was nothing remarkable about it, except that he survived it.
Life in the open ocean was treacherous. At the start of life, Hal was little better then finned plankton, with no real means to escape larger predators. He'd seen many a unlucky halibut consumed by their unforgiving maws. Fortunately he was not one of them.

Some eight months after he hatched out, Hal settled in a quiet bay on the eastern side of Kodiak Island. With both eyes firmly settled on one side of his head, Hal's translucent body slowly became pigmented. He felt that at a little over three inches long, he was a very good looking fish.
It was there, in the protected area of the nursery grounds that Hal first met Berta...and he could not stand her.
________________________________________________________________________________
Hal was disturbed by his wife's request. He had heard terrifying rumors about what happened to fish who fish who wanted to see the sky. He'd heard that none of them came back, or if they did they came back horribly mutilated. he'd even heard of one fish come back with a long worm like growth coming out of it's dorsal fin.
'Of course,' Hal thought, ' all this is rumor and halibut are prone to excessive exaggeration. Not to mention the rumors are inconsistent - either fish come back or they don't and if they don't then who started the rumors?'

TO BE CONTINUED...
although in all honesty who wants this shit to continue?

Quotes from last night

2011-08-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

"He's like Andre the Giant...but gay."-KK

"How do you shim up a lose box? You need a wiener dog and a ham."-CB

"What am I doing? I'm fucking nothing!"-SW (while standing on a chair and air thrusting)

There were about a million others...help me remember!

Talking shit about a big fish

2011-08-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Usually the hillbilly parties at Mountain Point kinda scare me. However, sometimes there is a point to them. Take the 350lb halibut I'm sitting on for example. This is an excellent reason to call all your friends and spend about an hour BSing on the dock. I'll even join you. Some people can't seem to accept this though. You know, those alpha male fucktards who think they are the most important people in the world. Take this douche for example. This guy pulls up and has been waiting, oh maybe five minutes to put his boat in the water. He starts walking down the dock bitching about people who can't back their trailers down the ramp and not observing proper etiquette in haul out procedures...or something of the such. He bitches at the guys who are oogling the big fish. Then walks back says "yeah its big, but it will eat like shit," all the while glaring at a 16 year old kid whose old man is teaching him how to back up a trailer. The kid did great, it only took him three tries to get it right. Then the big important dude tries to put his boat in the water...it took him at least six tries, to get it right. "So you were saying something about not being able to back up a trailer..."

Leavin' da ghetto!

2011-08-02T13:18:00.000-07:00

Ask and you shall receive. I'm moving out. I'm done. No, more crack heads knocking at my door and 3am, no more screaming neighbors, or ADHD kids running around the hall ways at all hours of the night. I got a good send off though. This morning at about 5:30 my neighbor across the hall was screaming about her boyfriend walking off with her only lighter. I grabbed my lighter, walked outside and sent it on her arm. As I'm walking back into my room, I hear "Where'd this come from?" Seriously how fucked up are you when you totally blank out a person throwing a lighter at you?

Ego Stroking...

2011-08-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

There are days that I love tourists. They occasionally make me feel like a total bad ass. "Do you fish?" Yes. "Do you hunt?" Yes. That's awesome that a girl does that. Oh I know. "What do you do in the winter?" "I drive cab...at night!" Oh my god your totally ballsy! Oh I know. "You are the most interesting person we've met since we've been here!" Yeah, you better believe it!

Yeah gotta love it! But these feelings of awesomeness only last for so long before I go and do something that reminds me that I am in fact a total dork. Like telling a dog that he doesn't really want me to throw the ball because I'll probably end up throwing off the dock...then accidentally throwing it off the dock.

Old Yeller and Dead Rats

2011-07-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

"Your're Old Yeller, AIDS, the Big Lebowski and he-who-must-not be named all rolled into one, its almost a circle but not quite." I'm still not quite following what happened in that conversation, but then again I hadn't been drinking for as long, or as heavily. I'm sure it made sense in your head, and you were trying to tell me something important. Until I figure it out I'll just go with I'm super pathetic and should be put down.
I agree, but I feel a little better about how last night went then the last time I saw 4 am. Last night I got to run over a huge fucking rat. I think the crunch was pretty satisfying.

Lies my parents told me

2011-07-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

If life has taught me nothing else this year, its that love doesn't exist. I realize this is a jaded thought, perhaps I should temper it. But I can't. This is odd, because I have been in love before. However, I am beginning to think that the one time I was, it was my only chance at happiness. I'm now going to die all alone. Maybe I should go out and adopt a kitten and jump on the crazy old cat lady bandwagon now. Why put off the inevitable? I will name him Fluffy and he will be the first of hundreds, until the state intervenes and condemns my house because of all the kitty shit, and put down about 99% of the kitties because they are feral and crazy. They will then put me in a old folks home and let me keep fluffy, but only if I promise to keep taking my medications... Actually its all going to be with ferrets because I'm allergic to cats...
Ah the future looks bright without love.

Echo from a past life

2011-07-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

What happened to all of you young faces? What happened to the days when we all thought we had the world by the balls? What happened to the dreams we shared with each other on late night/early morning doughnut missions? I don't know you anymore. We all grew up, or just got old. We got lost somewhere along the way and some of us just didn't make it at all. I miss your innocents all of you young faces, and your hope. I miss your dreams. I just miss you. Where did you all go? How did I lose you all in the stream of time?

Cleanin' up da ghetto

2011-07-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

So yes, I live in the slums. Which means my building looks...well slummy. I accept this about the building. So imagine my surprise when today my landlord decided that the building needed to be pressure washed. I suspect this hasn't been done in years due to the amount of dirt and mold that flew off the building...and directly into my window. Yes, that's right. My window was open when all of this random cleaning was occurring. After a long, hungover day of work I got to walk into the epicenter of gross. I had about a 1/4 in of standing water on the floor and another 1/2 in of mold splattered all over the floor, the refrigerator, the dresser, the walls and my curtains.
It was bad, even the dog was looking around like WTF!? He started whining and crawled under the bed. Don't blame him, I would have joined him if I thought I could get away with it. Instead I got to clean the mess up. The only thing my landlord said about it was "need a mop?" Seriously!? Why the fuck wouldn't you check to make sure peoples windows were closed before you started this venture. Sure you got the outside of the building clear of mold and other general grossness, but now its all inside the building. Doesn't really help the general appearance much does it?

Thoughts from 4am

2011-07-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hey, my shoes! And my dog! I knew I forgot something. Girl, you be a ninja. Self, you be an idiot. Boy, its your fault I'm awake. Self, yeah you are really stupid. God, why do I have to drive to town? Sleep was so nice. Did I really agree to this? How much jager did I drink last night? Were is my jacket? Its fucking cold out. Why am I awake again? Oh right, because of you. Why am I so stupid? Fuck, I think I'm still drunk. Damn you 4am. Hurry up and warm up car. And car what is wrong with you? I should take you to the shop. Maybe I should just leave him here, and deny all involvment...damnit that won't work. Boozie girl and little brain, you should be ashamed of yourselves, I know I am. Seriously boy, hurry the fuck up, I want to go back to bed.
Hmm...I'm really thirsty. Its fun passing people at 4am, but seriously why are you going 30 miles an hour, with a trailer...at 4am. Fuck stupid being awake shit. No, boy I don't feel bad for you. Although it is funny you slept through your alarm. I still don't believe I agreed to drive you to town. Hmmm...wonder if other girl got some last night. hehe. But seriously I should have slept in my car or something, stupid girl. Boy, still don't care how much shit your in, you are supposed to be on my shit list. I'm not supposed to be helping you...with anything.
Oh yay! Town. I get to go back to bed soon. No boy, we are not swinging by my house for a anything. Still need water. And to glare at boy, must establish I'm mad at him. And myself. Idiot self.
Booze bad. Boys bad. Me bad. 4am, just bad.

What has been seen, cannot be unseen

2011-07-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

Please oh men of the world, please keep your trouser snake where it belongs...in your pants. There are of course times when it can be out of your pants. That time is not what I'm talking about.
I might be remembering things wrong or perhaps becoming more observant in a very unfortunate way, but I'm fairly certain I have seen way more dick in the last year then I have ever before. No, I'm not talking about picking you up somewhere, bringing you home and then seeing it. I'm talking about minding my own business and then out of no where, there it is, a random cock hanging out for all to see. This is becoming a disturbingly common event in my life. Take the last week for example, there have been 3.
#1: Oh guy who pissed on my car...oh yes I saw you. And I'm insulted, not only did you piss on my car, but you didn't even have the decency to do it in a way in which I couldn't not see your pecker. I am unimpressed with you in everyway.

#2 Why would you piss in your boat? I understand taking a piss off your boat into the surrounding water, but why in your boat. Was there not enough fish blood and slime in there to make a satisfyingly disgusting aroma for you to smell? Was it entirely necessary to add the wonderful aroma of urea to the mix? I don't even know what to say. You where in the middle of the harbor, there were other people around. I know I'm not the only one who saw.

#3 I understand that booze causes you to do stupid things, but how much do you have to have in order to take a piss off the back balcony of the Arctic Bar...on a Friday night? Sure you got it into the harbor, which is more then I can say for dick #2, but the bathroom is like 20 feet away. Any women you were attempting to pick up is not going to be impressed with your aim. We know you'll make it in the water, thats just how gravity works.

Seriously guys, how hard is it to use the bathroom, or at least find somewhere that I don't have to accidentally see you.

Fish: I can drink like them

2011-07-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

Hangovers are gods way of saying he disapproves of last nights activities. Anytime you wake up and your first thoughts are "Oh, my head." and "Did I lick an ashtray?" you've done wrong. Before you even open your eyes you have to establish just how bad it is. And while replaying the evenings earlier events in your head it is very important to immediately determine how it ended.
Step 1: Consider for a moment what you are wearing (or not). If you still have your shoes on you probably didn't do anything too crazy (unless you're in jail...or you're that one girl in high heels in a miniskirt--cause you did something kinky).

Step 2: If you remembered to take you shoes off, did you remember to keep your pants on? If so; impressive! Girl in the miniskirt: this does not apply to you, even if your skirt is still on...ya did something kinky.

Step 3: If your naked ass is hanging out for all the world to see you must now determine if you made it home. This requires opening your eyes (and maybe holding your breathe). Are you in bed (your bed?), the couch, curled up around the toilet after a long night of worshiping the porcelain god? Or maybe your soaking wet in your tent that you forgot to put the rain fly onto because you got distracted by something shiny further out in the woods. Girl in the mini skirt: Should you find yourself in the tent situation start running I feel a bad horror movie about to happen.

Step 4: Look for other signs of life. IF you find someone you can use their looks to determine how fucked up you were the night before. If they're attractive good for you, take 'em out to breakfast, you never know it could be the start of something beautiful. Chances are though, you're having a coyote ugly moment (told you god disapproved of what you did last night).

Step 5: Make good with your escape. (Mini skirt girl you should have done this 2 steps ago, if not by now you are probably locked in someones basement and are about to be made into a person suit or something equally as iconic.) Make a fast grab for your shit and run out the first convenient exit. This can be anything: the front door, the back door, the window (to the third floor fire escape in -40F without gloves or a jacket), or if your miniskirt girl you best start digging a tunnel.

Congratulations, you have successfully navigated through the first 10 minutes of your hangover. I would walk you through the rest of the steps, but I'm standing out on the sidewalk and don't remember where I left my car.

Teen Angst in Adult Formatting

2011-07-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

Same Shit, Different Town

Bad decisions,
Lust, lies and broken hearts,
don't comprehend thousand mile journeys.
Hard lessons not learned,
Travel faster then,
Planes can fly.
Mistakes made a mile down
can't be fixed a mile up.
Escape was the right answer...
to the wrong riddle.
Baggage travels.

Rumors

Did I shave my legs for this?
A wanton desicration of hair
for the sake of shit
that never happened.
Cover up those blemishes
of imperfection
to create the image
of knowing what I'm doing.

Did I really shave my legs for this?
Sitting at a bar stool,
throwing 'em back
to smooth over social interations.
Talking about meaningless BS
making it sound important.

Why did I shave my legs for this?
Staring at a sterile ceiling,
one bed per person.
All the false artistry in the world
can't change the fact,
I WENT HOME ALONE!

Livin' in da ghetto...

2011-07-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

How does a town of 8000 people have a ghetto? I don't know, but I live in it! This seems to be the theme of my life. I think its because I grew up in trailers. It doesn't matter where I move to or who I meet, the first place I move into will be in the sketchiest part of town. This happened when I moved to Fairbanks, moved right into South Cushman right inbetween a crack house and a whore house (or should I say 24 hour massage parlor). Initially I wrote that off as being young and stupid (at 18 living with 8 of your friends and your boyfriend in a 4 bedroom house sounds like great fun---it isn't). Next when I stayed in Seattle for a summer I got a place in the U-district...I was unaware until about 5 days before I moved back to Alaska that this was not the place to be. When I moved back to Fairbanks I forgot about two very important lessons I learned earlier 1)Living with a bunch of people (and your boyfriend) is not a good idea (although it was only 4 people this time in a better neighborhood) and 2)when you get fed up with your living situation don't move back to south cushman. I finally got it right on try 5 when I rented a dry cabin 7 miles out of town. There are no crackheads with guns or hobo's looking for a good time that far away. Just the occasional pissed off moose that doesn't want you to get to work in the morning.
Having finally gotten a living arrangement right, I moved to Ketchikan with the utmost confidence that I would find a nice place in a good neighborhood. Sadly, it seems I have a few more lessons in correct home selection to deal with. When I got here, I knew I wanted my own place, so I rented an efficiency apartment on Park Ave (you will see the irony in a minute). The price was kind of high for such a small place so I figured it would weed out most of the degenerates. Boy was I wrong. My neighbors are fuckin' special. And their friends are even more so. About once a week I have some dude who knocks on my door at about 3am looking for some guy named Needles. A few nights ago, I was walking to my house from my car after dark and some lady stopped me and said "Watch out some kid on a bike is looking for sex...he might attack you. Oh my name is Josie by the way how are you doing?"
Please get me out of the ghetto and toss me back in the trailer park. The only thing to worry about there is someone blowing up their meth lab.

Somedays I just shouldn't talk...

2011-07-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

My job requires strong communications skills, tact and discretion. I possess none of these. My boss, at times has commented that I have a very odd way of talking. I understand what she means, but its not odd the way she thinks it is.
After having grown up on boats and around a bunch of lecherous old fishermen (who use the word Fuck after ever sentence or in the place of a comma) my use of verbs, adverbs and modifiers is sadly lacking. My idea of descriptive words include such colorful phrases as asshat, twatwaffle and douche monkey. I've also been entirely too influence by lolcatz and its not uncommon for me to say such things as "I can haz" or other such cutesy phrases that have no place outside of a denominational posters.
These cultural influence make normal professional and civilized conversation a bit challenging for me. My boss finds my speech so amusing because I am in fact having two different conversations at the same time. The version that is going on in my head, and the strongly (and hastily) edited version that I am attempting to convey to her. The syncopation of my speech and my very odd use of common words is the result. When asked how everything is going with work I have a hard time translating my thoughts: "It was fucking hillbilly pride day down at mt. pt. and every time I see someone with a camo truck I hear the theme song to Deliverance. Really thoughs people are such raging douche bags I wish I could hang them up by their heels and skin them with a rusty spoon. I can haz sane people?" to conversation: "It's going...ok...some people are kind of... difficult...but its...ok."
Yeah, tactful delivery of a message...not so good.